papa johns
Graphic: Kyle Petreycik

Papa John’s, Please Take a Knee and Let Me Hand You This “L”

Papa John’s is finally done.

Yesterday, the net worth of John Schnatter, founder and CEO of Papa John’s, the world’s shittiest pizza franchise, fell by $70 million.

The financial loss came after he did not meet the expectations of the pizza company’s investors for the third quarter of 2017. And what was Schnatter’s reasoning for his company’s poor financial performance? He blamed it on the ongoing NFL Protests, saying that “NFL leadership has hurt Papa John’s shareholders” and that “this should have been nipped in the bud a year and a half ago.”

Yes, that’s the problem, John! That NFL players protesting against racism and police brutality killed your glorious fast food pizza chain. It certainly isn’t because your trash-ass, cardboard crust, plastic-cheese pizza is really the problem at hand here.

Actually, that is the problem, John. You just can’t make good pizza.

Now let’s survey the landscape we have here in the pizza capital of the world, New York City. We got New York pizza joints at the top of the pyramid, dollar pizza under that and then “bullshit pizza” at the very bottom.

Bullshit pizza is the pizza you cop when you really don’t feel like trying to do some serious pizza eating. It’s easier to order, comes faster and takes up less space in your fridge. Plus it usually gives you more bang for your buck than your official pizza place down the block.

However, bullshit pizza is never that good. So each company comes up with their own gimmicks to get you to buy their garbage. Pizza Hut got delectable bread sticks and stupid shit like cheese squirting out the crust. Plus there is the unbeatable fast food mashup: The Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell (On Jamaica Ave!)

 

Then there’s Dominos, the undisputed king of this bullshit pizza shit. You twisted, you get your boys to throw on that coupon, and it’s a wrap. Two or more items for $6 each and the whole team eats. Got mad pies in many hitting flavors and styles. Mix it up a bit by dropping some wings, sandwiches and the finest item that Dominos has to offer: the Cheesy Bread.

 

And of course, we can’t forget Lil Caesar’s for hooking it up with those $5 pies that are always Hot N’ Ready. God bless you, bro. And shouts out to the owner for not being a TV scumbag.

So now let’s get back to Papa John’s. They say, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.” Well if that was the case, you wouldn’t have lost $70 million, would you? Discarded cereal boxes with melted cheese on top doesn’t taste any better. I guess that’s why you need all those nasty-ass dipping sauces to go with it.

The only person I ever met who loved Papa John’s told me he specifically liked it because of its Garlic Dipping Sauce. That’s fucking disgusting.

Like, peep my dude Drew down here. He’s really tripping right now, drinking this sauce like seven shots of Henny. Boy barely gets through two and he’s nearly throwing up.

To be honest, I think there’s only one reason why Papa John’s is able to move any pies. Because the CEO still goes on TV, looks us in the eyes, and begs us to eat his shitty pizza. Someone has got to feel this man’s pain.

Well, guess what John? The first step to bringing your company back up again is admitting you make some horrible fucking pizza. No one is going to read your 348-page book on the making of Papa John’s and suddenly think it tastes better.

And don’t think we ever forgot how stressed you were about the cost of your pizza going up 15 more cents because of Affordable Health Care Act. I got one nickel and one dime. And they certainly ain’t for you.

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