martin shkreli awyer grimace towards the press after he is found guilty on 3 out of 8 federal fraud charges in august of 2017
Photo: REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

These Jurors Properly Violated Martin Shkreli’s Life

Everyone in the world would love to make Martin Shkreli their own human punching bag. There are many reasons why a smug yuppie a-hole who jacked up the price of a life-saving drug and dropped $1 million on a Wu-Tang album; is always sitting alone in his NYC apartment on a YouTube live stream. Clearly when you look like a member of a Beatles cover band, no one is going to hit your line.

So of course, when Martin Shkreli was put on trial for eight charges of federal fraud, It was going to be quite the challenge to find anyone who wouldn’t have a biased opinion against him. Over 200 potential jurors were turned away during jury selection, and most of them hated Martin Shkreli for reasons such as dissing the Wu-Tang and even just looking like a “dick.” A transcript of the jury selection hearing was published in Harper’s Magazine and below are some of the best ones shared.

Juror No. 1: “Greedy Little Man”

Juror no. 1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.

Brafman [Shkreli’s defense attorney]: I’m sorry.

Juror no. 1: I think he’s a greedy little man.

The Court: Jurors are obligated to decide the case based only on the evidence. Do you agree?

Juror no. 1: I don’t know if I could. I wouldn’t want me on this jury.

The Court: Juror Number 1 is excused.

 

Juror No. 52: “That’s a Snake”

The Court: Juror Number 52, how are you?

Juror No. 52: When I walked in here today I looked at him, and in my head, that’s a snake — not knowing who he was. I just walked in and looked right at him and that’s a snake.

Brafman: So much for the presumption of innocence.

The Court: We will excuse Juror Number 52. 

Juror No. 144: “He kind of looks like a dick.”

The Court: Well, I’m going to excuse you. Juror Number 144, tell us what you have heard.

Juror No. 144: I heard through the news of how the defendant changed the price of a pill by up-selling it. I heard he bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars.

The Court: The question is, have you heard anything that would affect your ability to decide this case with an open mind. Can you do that?

Juror No. 144: I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.

The Court: You are Juror Number 144 and we will excuse you.

 

Juror No. 10: Just Lock Him Up Already

The Court: Juror Number 10, please come forward.

Juror No. 10: The only thing I’d be impartial about is what prison this guy goes to.

The Court: Okay. We will excuse you.

Juror No. 28: “Is he stupid or greedy?” Might As Well Just Punch Him In The Face

The Court: Juror 28, do you need to be heard?

Juror No. 28: I don’t like this person at all. I just can’t understand why he would be so stupid as to take an antibiotic which H.I.V. people need and jack it up five thousand percent. I would honestly, like, seriously like to go over there —

The Court: Sir, thank you.

Juror No. 28: Is he stupid or greedy? I can’t understand.

 

Juror No. 59: “And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.”

The Court: Juror Number 59, come on up.

Juror No. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because —

The Court: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?

Juror No. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.

The Court: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.

Juror No. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.

 

Martin Shkreli was found guilty on three of those eight federal counts of fraud on August 4 and is now facing up to 20 years in prison. Of course, the self-proclaimed, Brooklyn bred savage is definitely not someone to fuck with. Never forget when Martin said he was ready to send a gang of goons out to get Ghostface Killah.

Remember, Marty, when anyone steps up to your ass in prison just say exactly what you said in that Akademiks threat video.

“I hail from Brooklyn, the city of Brooklyn, New York. You and your cohorts may not be familiar with this providence but I assure you, I have seen and done things, which the mere mention of, would frighten and force you to reassess the situation.”

I wonder where Martin Shkreli is going to stash Tha Carter V when he gets cavity searched.

 

 

 

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